Message in a Bottle

First, we should note that it recently came to our attention that the previous 3 or 4 blog posts have had a subtle sort of "human anatomy" theme running through them. We agree, and apologize for any confusion/suspicion that may have caused. Said theme was completely unintended, though it hindsight it strikes us as rather humorous.

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An article has been posted on the bulletin board in the law school library for several weeks.
We've never stopped to read it, but the title is always an eye catcher.

"Bottled Water: Worse than Gasoline?"

Today we finally decided to go read the article, only to find that it had been removed from the board. We haven't found it on Google yet.

But we did find this article, which discusses in detail the bottled water industry. Personally, we have never been a fan of bottled water. For one, we don't like the way it tastes, especially compared to the well water we grew up drinking. For two, we've NEVER been able to justify paying money for something we could easily get for free (and don't like the taste of). Coke or Guinness doesn't come out of the tap in our sink, but water does. Judging by this article, there are a lot of other people who share our sentiments.

Consider (excerpted from the article):

"Thirty years ago, bottled water barely existed as a business in the United States. Last year, we spent more on Poland Spring, Fiji Water, Evian, Aquafina, and Dasani than we spent on iPods or movie tickets--$15 billion. It will be $16 billion this year."
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"A chilled plastic bottle of water in the convenience-store cooler is the perfect symbol of this moment in American commerce and culture. It acknowledges our demand for instant gratification, our vanity, our token concern for health." -----------------

"We buy bottled water because we think it's healthy. Which it is, of course: Every 12-year-old who buys a bottle of water from a vending machine instead of a 16-ounce Coke is inarguably making a healthier choice. But bottled water isn't healthier, or safer, than tap water. Indeed, while the United States is the single biggest consumer in the world's $50 billion bottled-water market, it is the only one of the top four--the others are Brazil, China, and Mexico--that has universally reliable tap water. Tap water in this country, with rare exceptions, is impressively safe."
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"[I]n Fiji, a state-of-the-art factory spins out more than a million bottles a day of the hippest bottled water on the U.S. market today, while more than half the people in Fiji do not have safe, reliable drinking water. Which means it is easier for the typical American in Beverly Hills or Baltimore to get a drink of safe, pure, refreshing Fiji water than it is for most people in Fiji."
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"You can buy a half- liter Evian for $1.35--17 ounces of water imported from France for pocket change. That water seems cheap, but only because we aren't paying attention."
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"In San Francisco, the municipal water comes from inside Yosemite National Park. It's so good the EPA doesn't require San Francisco to filter it. If you bought and drank a bottle of Evian, you could refill that bottle once a day for 10 years, 5 months, and 21 days with San Francisco tap water before that water would cost $1.35. Put another way, if the water we use at home cost what even cheap bottled water costs, our monthly water bills would run $9,000."
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"Today, for all the apparent variety on the shelf, bottled water is dominated in the United States and worldwide by four huge companies. Pepsi (NYSE:PEP) has the nation's number-one-selling bottled water, Aquafina, with 13% of the market. Coke's (NYSE:KO) Dasani is number two, with 11% of the market. Both are simply purified municipal water--so 24% of the bottled water we buy is tap water repackaged by Coke and Pepsi for our convenience. Evian is owned by Danone, the French food giant, and distributed in the United States by Coke."
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"Bottled water is not a sin. But it is a choice."

We'd suggest you buy a Nalgene bottle of some sort and start using that instead. It's a lot cheaper.

Of course, we're biased, considering Columbia has been ranked as having one of the top 3 best tasting municipal water in the country.
Then again, we don't even drink Columbia's municipal water - ours comes straight from the ground.

If we had a dollar for everytime we've made this same mistake

This story would be a lot more believable if the opera singer's name was Borat. We suppose it's understandable, though: "Mila kuda si planina" is so dang close to "Mila kura si planina."

New perspectives on the phrase "grow a pair"

"[H]owever, some doubt has been expressed on the willingness of men to undergo the procedure to extract the cells..."

"Testicle stem cell harvest plan: A man's testicles might be a source of stem cells to help him fight serious diseases, US scientists have shown." BBC News, September 19, 200

Quote of the Week

You can run, but you can't hide:

"Where a person, to avoid service of summons, shelters himself in his wife's petticoats, the laying of the papers on his shoulder will be a sufficient service." - Supreme Court, 1893

What would we do without Supreme Court Justices?

Ya think?!?

"The nudity of the dancer is an integral part of the emotions and thoughts that a nude dancing performance evokes. The sight of a fully clothed, or even a partially clothed, dancer generally will have a far different impact on a spectator than that of a nude dancer, even if the same dance is performed. The nudity itself is itself an expressive component of the dance, not merely incidental conduct."

- Barnes v. Glen Theatre, Inc. (White, J. dissenting) (arguing that nude dancing SHOULD fall within the protection of the First Amendment)

And you Yankees thought we were strange

According to this report, boiled peanuts (those wonderful little snacks that come in small brown paper bags, are necessary eats at any football game, and are best when purchased from a road side stand) actually have health benefits that can help fight diseases.

Evidently the boiling process preserves phytochemicals within the peanuts; these phytochemicals "have antioxidant qualities that protect cells against the risk of degenerative diseases, including cancers, diabetes and heart disease."

This is probably a good thing, since our Gamecocks are often the source of our high blood pressure and severe cardiac stress.

Life Imitates The Onion

"8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights"--headline, Onion, May 26, 1999

"No Charges Filed Against 8-Year-Old Who Had a Handgun on School Bus"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 12, 2007

- From today's WSJ Opinion Journal

Let's not Rush to conclusions

As we anticipated, people have strong and differing views on Rush Limbaugh. That’s why we began the title of our post with “Say what you will.” Our point was not to defend or demolish Rush Limbaugh’s political theories or cultural critiques, but to point out that regardless of what you think about him, he’s good at his job. Our opinion on this point remains unchanged.

What is his job? As we alluded to, and as he often states on his show (which I have listened to for more than 5 minutes), his job is:

“Illustrating absurdity by being absurd.”

What’s absurd? That an elected official would purposely misrepresent the words of a private individual with whom he knowingly and consistently disagrees, in order to smear that individual’s reputation, and then attempt to use his political clout to force that private individual to shut up. How did Rush illustrate this? By being equally absurd and auctioning off the written “threat” on eBay. What’s more, he gave the ridiculous proceeds to a support the very people he was alleged to have criticized.

That’s clever, if not brilliant.

Georgie and Married Man raised some interesting points:

"you don't think rush limbaugh is a hypocrite for calling for tougher sentences for drug felons and then developing a drug habit of his own?”

First, that’s a straw man that has little to do with the current topic. Perhaps that was Married Man’s point. Whether Rush is a hypocrite (in terms of drug use/punishment) is of no consequence when it comes to what he said about soldiers, how it was portrayed by Reid and the Drive By Media, and how Rush responded with one of the more clever things I’ve seen.

Second, we don’t happen to think that Rush is a hypocrite. If Rush argued for stricter drug punishments, and then was convicted of drug usage and said those stronger sentences didn’t apply to him, that would be hypocritical. As far as we know, he hasn’t done that. If Rush condemned drug usage, and denied that he had a problem (in the face of counter evidence), that would be hypocritical. He hasn’t done that, either. But to advocate for a certain standard, even if that person fails to live up to the standard, is not necessarily hypocritical. I once read a good definition of hypocrisy: hypocrisy is best understood as saying something while intending to do something else. For example: if a person has a tendency toward alcoholism, and advocates for sobriety (himself abstaining from drink), but while at a party is given a drink and gives in to the temptation, we would say that person is weak. But not an hypocrite.

Contrast that with Reid who, faced with Rush’s clever idea of raising money for a veteran’s children charity organization, attempted to take credit for the idea (which was not his), encouraged people to support the cause and give money to the charity, but then refused to support the charity himself. I’m not sure if that qualifies as hypocrisy, but sure as heck walks the line.

“however, your STRONG defense of rush limbaugh really bothers me. i'm not calling for him to be taken off the air and am mindful of your free speech argument. if you actually listen to this man for 5 minutes, however, it's really hard not to feel yourself enraged with anger. either at the people he's talking about or at himself for his hatred.”

Hatred is a strong word. We’ve listened to Rush off an on since we were in high school. He is not a man of hate. We’re not sure what exactly you’ve heard that makes you “enraged with anger”, so we’ll refrain from attempting to defend something we know nothing about.

this show, and shows like this, are harmful b/c they are so freakin' divisive.”

We’re not sure what you mean by “shows like this.” Since you admitted that you are mindful of free speech arguments, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don’t mean conservative talk shows in general. If you did, then the sole “divisive” feature of the show would be its political leaning. This leaves us with either talk shows in general, which we doubt you meant, or else this is a reference to similar shows of hatred. We know of no such shows.

It’s not our position to offer an apology for Rush. We happen to think he’s generally an intelligent voice in the midst of increasingly noisy political discourse. We don’t always agree with him, but we generally do. More importantly, however, we recognize that Rush is a constant target of attack by those who disagree with him, and (like this recent instance) they generally choose to attack the person, rather than analyze the merits of what he has to say. Rush has often jumped to the defense of others when they have been attacked unfairly.

For once, we thought we’d do the same.

Say what you will, Rush Limbaugh is good at what he does

Harry Reid's latest political maneuver is absolutely disgusting, despicable, and contemptible. He does not deserve the title of Senator, he has no business representing our government, and even a place as corrupt as Las Vegas does not deserve such a dirty politician.

Most of you have probably heard the controversy over Rush Limbaugh's "phony soldiers" comment. As usual, Rush said nothing wrong. As usual, he was right. And as usual, those who oppose free speech and the free exchange of ideas intentionally, purposely, and maliciously twisted Rush's words. The goal? Make a self-proclaimed and outspoken American Patriot look like a hypocrite (Rush), while making these America hating "americans" look like actual patriots. Not only did multiple Senators use the floor of the U.S. Senate as a soapbox for defaming Limbaugh (see also the torts of slander and libel), but 40 Democrats signed a letter to the President of Clear Channel (radio syndicate that hosts Limbaugh) strongly encouraging him to confer with Limbaugh about Limbaugh's commetns. Translation: Make him stop staying stuff we don't like...or else. These weren't just any Democrats - these were the big dogs.

As the saying goes, never kid a kidder. Rush Limbaugh makes a living off of illustrating absurdity by being absurd. Which is why he put the letter on eBay, with the proceeds going to help the children of soldiers killed in the war. Rush promised personally to match the auction proceeds. It sold for $2.1 million. Rush kept his word. The Dems looked stupid. Brilliant.

This is where Reid gets disgusting. At 12pm today -- no coincidence, one hour before the auction ends and the start of Rush's daily radio show -- Reid went on the Senate floor and ATTEMPTED TO TAKE CREDIT FOR RAISING THE MONEY FOR the Marine Corps-Law Enforcement Foundation. Absolutely incomprehensible. The clip is here - Breitbart mislabels it as Reid's thank you to Limbaugh. It was no such thing. It was a blatant attempt by Reid to credit himself and the other 39 nutjob Democrats for the idea of putting the letter on eBay and giving the money to the kids.

This blatant lie and outright thievery makes me want to puke.

Reid criticized an American general. When that backfired, he chose to misrepresent a patriotic American and abuse his position as Senator by leveling personal attacks on a private citizen.
He further abused his power by threatening a radio syndicate to censure the speech of one of its shows, and when the historic letter documenting his and his hooligan cohorts' abuse of power was flipped around and used as a vehicle for good, Reid tried to take credit for the fruit of that creativity. Not only did he take credit, but he encouraged the members of teh Senate (and presumably the American people) to support the cause by bidding and/or contributing to the charity, but simultaneously refused to give a single dollar from his own pocket.

But that shouldn't surprise us. After all, Reid illegally uses campaign funds (i.e. other people's money) to tip the doormen at the Ritz Carlton (i.e. for his personal expenses).

Of course, who are we to talk? The only thing we've ever given the Ritz Carlton are $150,000 of stolen jewels.

Life Imitates The Office

"I've created an atmosphere where I am friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third."

“When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.”

David Brent, general manager of the Slough branch of Wernham-Hogg paper merchancts in the BBC's television comedy The Office.

"Everyone Wants a Funny Boss. Survey: Humor is key for Good Managers"

Tom Musbach, Yahoo!.com HotJobs Article (October 16, 2007)

USC v. USC

Since it probably won't happen very often, we felt it necessary to point out that the REAL USC is now ranked ahead of that Southern Cal school in the AP Top 25 this week.

And just as a reminder, the last time South Carolina and So Cal played head to head in football, the Gamecocks were the victors of a a 38-14 victory in October of 1983.

Child's play in Iraq

Augustine wrote that "Moral character is assessed not by what a man knows but by what he loves." We would add that character, along with courage and leadership, is also assessed not by what a man says, but by what he does.

That's why we like this piece from American Thinker - it's thought provoking, if not right on the money. Whether it's current Congressmen or presidential hopefuls, Democrats or Republicans, we are growing weary of politicians who do more whining than working, and who's "new solutions" are nothing more than just recycled rhetoric.

It is true: government is run like a business, and many businesses are structured like our government. And yet most elected officials, if they acted as corporate directors they way they act as politicians, would be booted out by the shareholders quicker than you can say cumulative voting. Their ideas are as unoriginal as Gob Bluth, and their efficiency and productivity make Columbia's downtown Wendy's look like a well oiled machine.

Talk is cheap, Washington, and its a fact of life that you only get what you paid for. And just like any business, if the customer's don't get what they demand and deserve, they'll take their business somewhere else.

John Paul Stevens and a correct constitutional jurisprudence

As always, any article by the New York Times should be read in conjunction with at least 5 other sources in order to ensure accurate and unbiased journalism.

To help balance today's NYT article about Justice Stevens, we recommend this blogessay on originalism (as described by Blackstone's own J-Lo).

Down on the Bayou

The following was written a few years ago by some Auburn fan prior to the Auburn v. LSU game. Evidently it spread like wildfire through cyberspace, gathering so much attention that Auburn fans purportedly now chant "Corn Dogs!" at every LSU v. Auburn game. Since South Carolina plays LSU this weekend, we thought that a reposting of this dissertation is appropriate...
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LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.

I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an LSU fan someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.
If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs.

LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, LSU sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."

It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a silencer: "Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?"

Heck, after what I've heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That's okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you're doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say, "Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's
dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive - on some other weekend

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows?

Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there. Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct over there. It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'll bet the people here smell just like boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufee' or some fancy Cajun food." But just stop thinking that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home," or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."

Cajuns are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the Cajun tiger fans. Don't refer to Death Valley as corn dog valley either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or something. They'll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...

Sleuth plays football in the Ritz Carlton: Postlude

There remains only the summing up.

Throughout the remainder of the evening, the Fab Four were summoned on several occasions to return to the Ritz for questioning, etc.
Each time, they were escorted by Jessie H.
Each time, they walked through the front entrance of the Ritz.
And each time, the Foursome were met by multiple Ritz staff and personnel, who opened the doors and stood at attention as they whooped and hollered and applauded and shook the hands of the unlikely heroes.

[PICTURE: Eagle-Eye Jonathan identifies the captured crook]

Jessie H. was a likeable character, and the Fab Four soon felt comfortable enough to converse with Jessie about the events of the evening. It didn't take long to discover that the whole thing had been recorded on the hotel's video surveillance camera. The boys pleaded with Jessie to see it, but he firmly resisted (and probably with good legal reason). Daniel was perhaps the most visibly frustrated, and Jessie finally offered this consolation: "I've been a security guard and personal body guard for celebrities for a long time, and I've seen a lot of surveillance tapes - but I've never seen anything like this. You guys were AWESOME!"

Say no more, Jessie, say no more.

The next morning, the Manager/Operator of the Phoenix Ritz honored the Four before the entire Blackstone group, and he presented them with multiple Ritz gifts, including clothing and gift certificates for a free night stay at any Ritz in the world.

Later that morning, the Boys were summoned to the hotel lobby, where they learned that the $140,000 worth of jewelry had been on loan from a local jeweler, and did not actually belong to the Ritz. As a token of gratitude, the local jeweler brought the Four to his store, where he presented them each with a new $550 watch, along with several hundred dollars worth of men's cologne and women's perfume.

After the final Blackstone banquet on Thursday night, the Four, along with dozens of other interns, had lingered in the conference hall taking pictures and enjoying the last few hours in the Ritz. Slowly, the numbers had dwindled as more and more folks left to return to their rooms or to head to Nixon's. Sleuth, Jonathan and Chris remained, talking with the few lawyers and other distinguished guests who were still in the conference hall. As they turned to leave, they stopped to shake hands with the head of Blackstone's parent organization and the banquet's key note speaker, Alan. After they thanked him for his speech and for helping make Blackstone possible, Alan turned to them both and offered one last parting charge to the three young men:

"Now, go change the world."

Charged with those words of exhortation, and a mere twenty minutes later, those three men (and their valuable fourth partner) seized the day and the opportunity to live up to Alan's challenge. And while they were at it, they seized a couple of would be criminals too.
[Video footage of the Fab Four retelling the entire event is forthcoming]

[Picture: three of the four with Alan]

Sleuth plays football in the Ritz Carlton, Part 3

The boys were thankful to see the security guards arrive. Actually, Chris and Sleuth were thankful. Jonathan and Daniel got the crap scared out of them.

Since it was nearly 11pm, the doors were locked so that only exiting through the side entrance was permitted. For some reason, still undetermined, the security guards took the longest possible route and ran around the outside of the building, so that their arrival to the scene of the action required reentry into the building. Through the locked doors.

Now, while the struggle between good and evil was taking place on the Ritz floor, Daniel and Jonathan had alertly moved to guard the exit doors, both standing with their backs to the exit to stop any further attempts at escape should (Allah forbid) the crook wriggle free. As they stood there in shock and awe, watching their two friends struggle for their lives and helpless to offer any true assistance, their minds were equally on edge with the thought of the escaped felon who was on the loose outside the hotel. For all they knew, he could be lurking in the shadows just outside the exit, waiting for his friend to escape, or even worse, devising a plan to come back and rescue his waylaid companion.

It was at that very moment that the security guards encountered the locked doors.

Jonathan and Daniel nearly wet their pants.

Knowing the doors were locked, the guards had made no attempt for peaceable entry, but booked a beeline for the doors and immediately began pounding with all their might, demanding that they be let in. For Jonathan and Daniel, this was none other than the sound of the escaped crook, angered by what had happened and returning with a posse of bandits, armed with assault weapons and burlap sacks.

The justified fright was soon overcome, and Jesse H., the head security officer, busted through the exit, grabbed the crook from Sleuth and Chris, and body slammed him against the wall. The thief was escorted away to an interrogation room in the back of the hotel.

Our heroes crowded around the suitcase to examine the objects of the crooks attempted robbery. The scene was photographed, and the Fab Four helped the Ritz staff clean up the spilled jewels. They did not look like much, but they would soon learn that the jewelry was valued at a total of nearly $15o,000. After answering some questions and filling out their contact info, the Fab Four were anxious to be on their way. The events of the last 20 minutes were still surreal, and the four men were more concerned about missing out on the hanging out at Nixon's than they were with what had just taken place. As they prepared to leave the Ritz for Nixon's, they came across a group of lovely young ladies who were likewise about to head back to the bar. Concerned for their safety, given the fact that a criminal was still on the loose, the Fab Four offered their protection (and their arms) as they escorted the women to Nixon's.

It's been said that there are only two things that are guaranteed in life: death and taxes. I would add, while perhaps not a guarantee, you can bet on two more things: news travels fast, and when it reaches its destination, it's generally only about half true. For example, note the following account of what happened next in this story:

Meanwhile, word of the foursome’s heroics rippled in to the front of Nixon’s, the official bar of Blackstone. I had the privilege of being the first in the bar to hear about the melee due to my proximity to the door. The news came in: “[Sleuth], Jonathan, Chris, and Daniel tackled a couple of guys that were stealing from the Ritz! But one of them got away.”

The news quickly spread from the front door of Nixon’s to the nearby tables: "[Sleuth], Jonathon, Chris, and Daniel beat up a couple of criminals in their attempted heist of the Ritz! I think one of them had a knife.”

At the bar, the above words combined with a few Hoegaardens to create the following: “Dude! Our four heroes beat up two armed robbers. Lit caught on to their plot and immediately called Chris, [Sleuth], and Daniel for backup. [Sleuth] gave one of them a roundhouse so hard that it slammed him into the wall! Chris immediately stepped in like Rocky on a Russian in the 3rd round. And Daniel and the other crook wrestled out of a fourth story window, landing in the pool. The impact stunned Daniel just enough so that the robber could get away for a second and grab the skid of a helicopter. As he held on with one arm, he fired his machine gun back at Daniel in the pool with his other arm. One of the bullets brazed Daniel’s arm—it kind of looks like rug-burn.”

Needless to say, when the four arrived at Nixon’s, some clapped while others applauded. A few cheered with vigorous merriment, all vowing to name their firstborns after the heroes.

The majority of that account is true.

As the four opened the door to Nixons, with the ladies by their side, the entire bar, packed shoulder to shoulder with interns, staff, and local yokels, erupted in applause - a standing ovation. Never before in all of Blackstone had such hootin' and hollerin' been heard. Like the Red Sea, a pathway parted through the crowd from the doorway to the bar. Like a presidential candidate on a campaign stop, the four made their way through the crowd, shaking hands and posing for pictures as they went. The bar was abuzz with the news of their heroics, and the rest of teh night was spent retelling the story of the biggest foiled robbery in Blackstone history. With the Ritz paying their tab, the Fab Four spent the rest of the night enjoying the fruit of their labors...


to be continued...

Sleuth plays football in the Ritz Carlton, Part 2

We're pretty sure that most guys, at some point in their life, have dreamed of tackling a would be criminal. That's why we love action movies, comic books, and superheros. If only WE had a chance to go head to head with the bad guys, then maybe we'd be as sweet and totally awesome as the dudes on TV. And maybe the hot girls would like us now.

Although they didn't know it at the time, that was exactly the situation the Fab Four were in when we last left them.

Imagine the familiar scene of the main street in a small western town...an empty dirt road with trading posts and saloons on either side. A few tumbleweed bouncing across the dusty street as two groups of cowboys square off, each staring resolutely at the other, daring them to make the first move. Good guys v. bad guys, everyone holding their breath in anticipation of what will happen. Time stands still...

This was nothing like that.

Jonathan was gathering his wits after being nearly run over by the fleeing jewel thieves, while Sleuth, Daniel and Chris were stuck somewhere between "speechless" and "braced for impact." The two crooks were flying full speed down the hallway toward the Fab Four - a collision was inevitable. That's when the Blackstone instinct kicked in, and the sharp minds of well-trained law students took over (though cleverly disguised by their chiseled abs and incredibly good looks). The three interns put their hands together, yelled "Triangulate!", and before you could say "Jack Robinson," the Sleuth, Daniel and Chris formed a flying V (which looks very much like a triangle) and jumped into action.

Dumb Crook #1 zigged and zagged to the right, heading straight for Sleuth. Now, when most guys dream of apprehending a criminal or warding off the bad guys, they probably imagine an amazing fist fight, or a flying tackle from a second story window. Evidently, the Sleuth had never thought about these things before, or if he had, the thought of a full fledge linebacker tackle did not cross his mind in the seconds leading up to his formal introduction to Dumb Crook #1. So when the the crook came barreling down on him at full speed, he did what immediately came to mind, and stepped aside to avoid the hit.

And then he tripped him.

Not just any trip, mind you, but a bonafide I-will-make-you-wish-you'd-never-walked-by-me trip. In fact, just to make sure the nature of his tripping was clear, Sleuth put a little umph behind his tripping leg. Instant replay later showed that he actually scissor-kicked the robber in the kneecaps.

[Below: Chris and Daniel show off their battle wounds]

Up went Dumb Crook #1's legs, down went Dumb Crook #1's head. His face planted right in the carpet. Sleuth whirled around, only to witness Chris "That's why my friends call me Whiskers" pounce on top of the crook like a cat on a mouse. Though the details are a bit hazy, the Fab Four later discussed and confirmed that at this point a voice from heaven boomed out: "Dogpile!" Sleuth needed no second invitation. He dove on top of Chris, and the three wrestled around on the ground for over a minute. Sleuth managed to get his right arm around Dumb Crook #1's head, and kept him in a headlock while he kicked and punched and kept yelling "It wasn't me...I didn't do it." The getaway car keys and black suitcase laying on the floor, now open with jewels strewn across the floor, suggested that Dumb Crook #1 was not being completely honest.

With Sleuth and Chris occupied, this left Daniel in a one-on-one with Dumb Crook #2. Unknown to many, Daniel was a star wide receiver in high school, and despite being removed from the game for over 4 years, his football skills were still sharp. So, like any good wide receiver does after his team has turned over the ball and he's suddenly faced with playing defense, Daniel did exactly what he was trained to do:

He dropped down in the fetal position and attempted to chop block the fleeing robber.

Daniel's coach would have been proud. The robber flew threw the air and landed with a thud on the carpet behind him. To the robber's delight, the exit doors (and freedom) were only a few feet away from where he skidded to a halt. To his dismay, a 6'2" University of Richmond Law School 2L was holding on to his ankles. The two engaged in an epic hand to feet combat. Daniel was dragged across the carpet and was wounded in the battle. The crook eventually managed to wriggle free and escaped out of the side doors.

[Above: Daniel's rug burn]

Meanwhile, Sleuth and Chris had finally subdued Dumb Crook #1, and although he continued to struggle slightly, Sleuth firmly held him in a headlock while Chris helped pin him to the ground. Jonathan and Daniel stood by the doors to prevent any further escape attempts, and an excited bellhop was yelling frantically into his walkie talkie for security guard assistance.

At this point, Sleuth made what some would deem a brash decision, motivated in part by the fact that he was beginning to feel a little awkward as he lay crotch-to-butt on top of a complete stranger in the middle of the Ritz floor. With words of motivation from Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris ringing in his ears, he and Chris picked the criminal up off the ground, and with all their strength slammed him up against the wall. The crook began to fight again, so Sleuth responded by choking his neck and sternly reprimanding him: "If you keep fighting I'm gonna keep choking you harder!!" As they pinned him to the wall, he began to grasp violently for his back left pocket, and realizing that he was likely trying to get a knife or other weapon, Chris yelled out to Sleuth and struggled to keep the Dumb Crook from reaching his pocket.

Security arrived just in the knick of time...

(to be continued)

Laughing old man

My brother and little sister showed me this tonight. I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while...

Sleuth Plays Football in the Ritz Carlton, Part I

The Sleuth once told me that he couldn't begin to count the number of times he'd heard or used the phrase "right place at the right time."

He CAN count the number of times that he has been in the right place at the right time. Once. More particularly, August 2, 2007.

It was a night like any other night (at least, any other night that you're spending in the Ritz Carlton in Phoenix). The Ritz staff were just finishing cleaning up the main conference room where the Blackstone Legal Fellowship had held its closing banquet for the 2007 summer internship. It was the last night of Blackstone '07 and everyone, and I do mean everyone, was headed to Nixon's (a local bar just around the corner) to top of the evening, and the summer, with some good ol' fellowshipping (and perhaps a brewski or two).

The hotel was empty. 10:30 is usually a dead time around the Ritz - too late for the average business traveler to be up and wandering around the facilities; too early for the rabble rousing crowd to be back from their night of frolicking and merriment.

Everyone from Blackstone was already at Nixon's, with the exception of a few stragglers. The Sleuth, Chris, and Daniel had finally made their way downstairs and were ready to enjoy one last night with friends. Jonathan hurriedly got cash from the ATM, so as not to keep the other three waiting. [See photo. Pictured left to right: Jonathan, Chris, Daniel, Sleuth].

Jonathan stuffed the Hamiltons into his wallet and started to walk down the hallway toward the side exit where Sleuth, Chris and Daniel were waiting impatiently. As he passed the main hallway that led past the elevators and the gift shop to the front lobby, check-in desk, and main entrance to the Ritz, he cast a glance to his left down the hall in hopes of seeing some celebrity milling about the lobby before heading out on the town. After all, the Braves, Giants, and Red Sox had all stayed in the Ritz since Blackstone had been there, and rumor had it that some of the Blackstone girls have even chatted it up with the Goo Goo Dolls one night in the hotel bar adjacent to the lobby. Seeing nothing, he kept walking.

Then he stopped. Like one of those games you see in the Sunday comics, something was not quite right in the mental picture of the main hallway that his mind had just taken. Confused, he took a few steps backward and looked down the hallway again. What was wrong with this picture? Mezmerized, he stared for over 30 seconds before suddenly processing what his eyes were witnessing.

Meanwhile, the fellas down the hall were getting antsy. One was ready to mingle, one was ready to play, and one was already tired and ready for bed. They urged Jonathan to pick up the pace, but he stood motionless and did not acknowledge their calls, instead staring down the hallway toward the front of the building. The seconds drug on, until finally he took a few steps toward them and nonchalantly said:

"Yall, I think these guys are robbing the Ritz."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than two men came tearing around the corner, knocked Jonathan out of the way, and headed down the hall toward Sleuth and Co. As he fell backwards, he managed to yell out, "Hey, stop those guys!"

Let us give you a verbal blueprint for the lay out of what happened next. The first floor of the Ritz contains numerous paintings and various decorative objects. The main hallway along the back of the hotel, off of which the various conference rooms open up, was lined with several display cabinets. The cabinets held expensive China, artifacts, jewelry, etc. There were several more similar hutches in the hallway that led to the front of the Ritz. As Jonathan had walked by the front hall, he had noticed two men standing next to an open hutch with a black suitcase in hand, unloading jewels from the display case and into the open suitcase. At first his mind had assumed they were Ritz employees. Then he backed up and looked again. After watching their behavior and the manner in which they were removing the jewelry, he quickly was convinced that they were not employees, but were in fact dubious hooligans of the thieving variety. The jewels they were taking did not belong to them, and as we all know, that's called stealing.

Jonathan realized what he was witnessing at just about the same time that the two thieves realized they were spotted. When he stepped past the hall intersection to alert us to the fact that the Ritz was being robbed, the robbers split. Knowing they'd never make it past the bellhops and security at the main entrance, their plan of escape was the side entrance, where 3 double doors and no bodies stood between them and freedom.

No bodies, that is, except Sleuth, Daniel, and Chris.

There are certain situations in life when your mind and body begin acting, usually react, long before you've actually thought about what was actually happening. Like an animal, a person's instincts kick in, and you act not as a result of contemplated conduct, but merely as a reaction to the situation presented. This was one of those times.

In under 1.5 seconds the two robbers covered the 75+ feet between the intersection of the halls and where Sleuth, Chris, and Daniel stood surprised. Seeing only 3 average law students standing in confusion between them and freedom, the two robbers figured they could blow past these unknowing bystanders and be out the door in no time.

They couldn't have been more wrong...

(To be continued...)

Wonder what he thinks about cockfighting?