What do Spurrier and the Rules of Civil Procedure Have in Common?

Nothing.

But you better believe that if our Gamecocks ever make it to the National Championship while we are practicing law, we'll do the same thing.

We love the SEC.

Hand Painting - The Zebra

We recently came across an artist by the name of Guido Daniele. Mr. Daniele does finger painting - not painting WITH his fingers, but actually painting his fingers. And his knuckles. And his entire hand. Actually, he's what you call (or they call) a body painter; he paints pictures on his body, and then photographs them for posterity (at least, the posterity who are willing to pay him some money for his efforts).

The paintings are nothing short of impressive. Here's Zebra:

Quote of the Week

Let's not even mention butter beans:

"A contrasting view is presented by theorist Gayle Rubin, who endorses a system of sexual pluralism. Rubin posits that American culture has a fundamentally unhealthy view of sexuality, one that demands conformity and repression to an extent that would never be tolerated in other areas of human existence. According to Rubin, society is unwilling to acknowledge the possibility that sexual preferences could simply be a matter of taste; that sodomy, for example, could be a lot like lima beans — some like ’em, some don’t, and some could take ’em or leave ’em. She believes the answer is sexual pluralism, a society where sex is judged and limited only by “the way partners treat one another, the level of mutual consideration, the presence or absence of coercion, and the quantity and quality of the pleasures they provide.”

- Substantive Due Process and the Problem of Horse Sex, by by Natalie Daniels (Washington Bar Association, November 2006)

Tim Tebow and Education in South Carolina: Musings on why WE should have won the Heisman Trophy

Turns out home school kids are good at something besides spelling bees. Word on the street? They’re good at football, too.

Tonight, for the first time in it’s 72-year history, a sophomore won the most coveted award in all of college football – the Heisman Tropy. Tim Tebow, the heralded quarterback for the University of Florida, beat out two other quarterbacks and a running back to earn the trophy, and with it, the admiration of Gator Nation.

The only people happier than the Orange and Blue? Home school Nation. Why?

Tim Tebow was home schooled.

You read that right. Those shy, awkward, sheltered, denim-wearing (explains why Tebow chose to go to school in the jean-short wearing mecca of Gainesville) social oddballs produced a Heisman winner. And those shy, awkward, sheltered, denim-wearing social oddballs produced us, a second year law student at a second tier law school.

Come to think of it, that should have been our trophy.

We were home schooled. Just like Tim Tebow.
Our parents are missionaries. Just like Tim Tebow’s.
We played high school football. Just like Tim Tebow.
We should have won the Heisman. Instead of Tim Tebow.

Ok, that's where the analogy breaks down. We did play football in high school (see also, flag and two-hand touch), and we were good, REAL good. We just didn't play FOR a high school.

But don't blame us -- blame the state of South Carolina.

When we were in high school, the political hot topic (at least in the home school circles) was whether home school kids should be allowed to play for their local high school's sports teams. We had friends who helped spearhead the efforts for equal access in South Carolina. Some of them were motivated by their desire to play college soccer some day. For all intents and purposes, playing high school soccer experience is a necessary prerequisite.

The political push for equal access peaked in 1996, when the South Carolina General Assembly decided they knew best – and equal access was not it.

Despite their hard work, South Carolina home schoolers had lost the game. Or was it South Carolina that dropped the ball?

In that very same year, 1996, Florida passed a law that allowed homeschoolers in the state to play for the high school in which district the homeschooler resided. Tim Tebow took advantage of that law, and played football for his local high school. His high school won the state championship, and he went on to play college football for UF. Coincidentally, 1996 was also the first year the University of Florida ever won a national championship in football.

The rest is history. As in, Tebow made history. All season, he’s been setting records. Tonight, he became the first sophomore quarterback to EVER win the Heisman Trophy.
And it doesn't stop there. Tebow's impressive skills, and his likeable charm and charisma, have made him many a fan around the SEC (and the country).

In fact, one state has even named a bill after him, Alabama’s Tim Tebow Bill. What's the law about? Letting home school kids play on their local high school's teams. Go figure.

Do you think, if the Tim Tebow Bill becomes law, it will be because the legislators thought those home school folks actually had a good idea, for once? We suppose its possible. More likely, the people of Alabama will pass that bill for the same reason their university shelled out $32 million for Nick Saban.

Football.

In the world of Southern football, anything they [insert rival SEC school] can do, we can do better. If a simple education initiative can get Florida a Heisman winner and the caliber quarterback you need for a National Championship team, you can be darn well sure that Alabama will do anything to compete. In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if every state with an SEC school in it shortly follows suit.

Except South Carolina.

They had their chance. The same year as Florida. Was "future Heisman winner" on their minds when the Florida legislature voted that bill into law? The odds makers say no. More likely, they were just looking at the tangible benefits of allowing equal access. South Carolina could have made the same decision - for those same right reasons.

Had they had some sense about them, in addition to the many benefits that equal access could have had on ailing South Carolina schools, it might have been the Gamecocks with a Heisman Trophy winner tonight. And rather than the mess we know as the 2007 “quarterback quagmire,” it could have been the Gamecocks who were looking at 2 more years with a record-setting player under center.

But better late than never, right? Maybe South Carolina can make the right decision now, even if for the wrong reasons. A wrong reason like, say, football. The loyal fans of the University of South Carolina want nothing more than to win a national championship. Even just a SEC championship. We're pretty sure they'd settle for a Heisman winner.

All our General Assembly has to do is draft it’s own Tim Tebow Bill. If they need some help, we've got a whole group of home educators who probably have some dust covered drafts of similar legislation lying around their house. Yeah, its over their in the corner next to the quilting materials and behind the 16 musical instruments.

You want a Heisman trophy winner, Gamecock Nation? Get on the phone first thing Monday morning and tell you legislator to pass the Tim Tebow Bill on the first day back in session this January.

You want a national championship, Steve Spurrier? Our suggestion: drop one political hot topic (the Confederate flag) and pick up another one – the Tim Tebow Bill. It’s a win-win situation, one of the easiest, cheapest, low-risk high-payoff recruiting strategies you could make, and it's a lot more pertinent to your job as a football coach.

What have we got to lose? If the state is scared about some adverse affect on education, just check the rankings. It’s hard to go much lower than 50 out of 50. Last I checked, the only thing South Carolina is ranked lower in that education is, well, football.

But we doubt The Head Ball Coach will take our advice. And we doubt the Legislature will either. Of course, that's probably because neither read our blog.

Instead, South Carolina's schools will continue to compete for the bottom of the barrel...not unlike our football team.

And we’ll go down in history right alongside Darren McFadden, Colt Brennan, and Chase Daniel.

Almost a Heisman Winner.

Worst Apology. Ever.

You can read the full story online.

Here's the gist:
Todd Graham used to coach football for Rice. He now coaches Rice's rival school, Tulsa.
At this year's Tulsa v. Rice football game, the Rice marching band performed a 10-minute halftime show entitled "Todd Graham's Inferno." The show consisted of a "music and a skit that paralleled Dante's "Divine Comedy," and acted like it was searching for Graham."

At the end, the band's director called Graham a "douche bag" over the Rice Stadium's public address system.

You can imagine the reactions.

And now, for the apology from the band director:

"I always apologize when people are upset. It's just what you owe people.

"When you're being creative and putting something out there, you know what you meant. But as soon

as it's out there, it belongs to the people who heard it; and, when it upsets them, you apologize.

"The intent wasn't to be mean or insulting. It was to poke fun and be funny. Since it came across different than that, then I certainly apologize.

Not only is the band director ignorant when it comes to apologies, but he's ignorant when it comes to language, too.

"[Douche bag] was sort of a mild insult . . . it was used to get the point across but not dirty . . . In all common usage I see, it's devoid of any literal meaning. I looked it up and it means someone that talks big about himself and that is a jerk."

A quick Google search would disagree.

Maybe that's why the pinnacle of his academic/professional career is a MARCHING BAND DIRECTOR. Of course, with a name like Chuck Throckmorton, what do you expect?

Giving him the business

It's no secret, we Manville folks tend to watch a lot of football. A lot. And as anyone who follows football knows, or any sport for that matter, history is important.

Coaches know it - a good history of coaching can make up for a bad year, while an unsuccessful past creates a short fuse for fans and the higher-ups.

Players know it - any record they achieve warrants at least a passing nod at the previous record holder, and players often talk about the track record of this team or that game in anticipation of an upcoming match.

Announcers know it too - when they're not giving an oral description of what's taking place on the field of play (which we can all see anyway - that's why we turned the tv on in the first place), they're usually talking about this historical stat or that historical fact or trying to impress/entertain/bore us with their knowledge of past sports trivia.

But guess who you don't see making much mention of history? The referees and umpires. Of course, we don't really expect it - their job is to control the present game. The closest they come to discussing sports history is the replay booth.

Which is why this video clip is so brilliant. Listen to the referee's description of the penalty called on the field.



Now, that in and of itself is funny.

But we were curious, so a little Google search revealed that this was no spontaneous stand-up by the ACC official - it was in fact an allusion to the annals of football refereeing history, an inside joke that only a handful of sports scholars will get.

Here's what I found: In 1986, the New York Jets played the Buffalo Bills. During a play, the Jets' player (Marty Lyons) who tackled the Bills quarterback got a little violent, and began punching the quarterback (Jim Kelly) in the head. A fight ensued.

Now, evidently this created some sort of problem for the referee. What penalty to call? We assume that the classic "Personal Foul" or "Unsportsmanlike Conduct" penalty was not yet in existence, otherwise that would most surely been the call. But instead, the referee faced the press box and announced:

"Number 99 of the defense, after tackling the quarterback, was giving him the business down there!"

See for yourself:


We don't expect that this will inspire many referees to start spicing up their announcing - after all, making light of the game will likely cause any disgruntled fan/coach/player to lob accusations of partiality.

But every now and then, a recognition of the great Zebras who have come before you is a fitting touch.

We salute you, Mr. Historically Savvy and Ballsy Football Referee Guy.

Message in a Bottle

First, we should note that it recently came to our attention that the previous 3 or 4 blog posts have had a subtle sort of "human anatomy" theme running through them. We agree, and apologize for any confusion/suspicion that may have caused. Said theme was completely unintended, though it hindsight it strikes us as rather humorous.

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An article has been posted on the bulletin board in the law school library for several weeks.
We've never stopped to read it, but the title is always an eye catcher.

"Bottled Water: Worse than Gasoline?"

Today we finally decided to go read the article, only to find that it had been removed from the board. We haven't found it on Google yet.

But we did find this article, which discusses in detail the bottled water industry. Personally, we have never been a fan of bottled water. For one, we don't like the way it tastes, especially compared to the well water we grew up drinking. For two, we've NEVER been able to justify paying money for something we could easily get for free (and don't like the taste of). Coke or Guinness doesn't come out of the tap in our sink, but water does. Judging by this article, there are a lot of other people who share our sentiments.

Consider (excerpted from the article):

"Thirty years ago, bottled water barely existed as a business in the United States. Last year, we spent more on Poland Spring, Fiji Water, Evian, Aquafina, and Dasani than we spent on iPods or movie tickets--$15 billion. It will be $16 billion this year."
-----------------

"A chilled plastic bottle of water in the convenience-store cooler is the perfect symbol of this moment in American commerce and culture. It acknowledges our demand for instant gratification, our vanity, our token concern for health." -----------------

"We buy bottled water because we think it's healthy. Which it is, of course: Every 12-year-old who buys a bottle of water from a vending machine instead of a 16-ounce Coke is inarguably making a healthier choice. But bottled water isn't healthier, or safer, than tap water. Indeed, while the United States is the single biggest consumer in the world's $50 billion bottled-water market, it is the only one of the top four--the others are Brazil, China, and Mexico--that has universally reliable tap water. Tap water in this country, with rare exceptions, is impressively safe."
-----------------

"[I]n Fiji, a state-of-the-art factory spins out more than a million bottles a day of the hippest bottled water on the U.S. market today, while more than half the people in Fiji do not have safe, reliable drinking water. Which means it is easier for the typical American in Beverly Hills or Baltimore to get a drink of safe, pure, refreshing Fiji water than it is for most people in Fiji."
-----------------

"You can buy a half- liter Evian for $1.35--17 ounces of water imported from France for pocket change. That water seems cheap, but only because we aren't paying attention."
-----------------

"In San Francisco, the municipal water comes from inside Yosemite National Park. It's so good the EPA doesn't require San Francisco to filter it. If you bought and drank a bottle of Evian, you could refill that bottle once a day for 10 years, 5 months, and 21 days with San Francisco tap water before that water would cost $1.35. Put another way, if the water we use at home cost what even cheap bottled water costs, our monthly water bills would run $9,000."
-----------------

"Today, for all the apparent variety on the shelf, bottled water is dominated in the United States and worldwide by four huge companies. Pepsi (NYSE:PEP) has the nation's number-one-selling bottled water, Aquafina, with 13% of the market. Coke's (NYSE:KO) Dasani is number two, with 11% of the market. Both are simply purified municipal water--so 24% of the bottled water we buy is tap water repackaged by Coke and Pepsi for our convenience. Evian is owned by Danone, the French food giant, and distributed in the United States by Coke."
-----------------

"Bottled water is not a sin. But it is a choice."

We'd suggest you buy a Nalgene bottle of some sort and start using that instead. It's a lot cheaper.

Of course, we're biased, considering Columbia has been ranked as having one of the top 3 best tasting municipal water in the country.
Then again, we don't even drink Columbia's municipal water - ours comes straight from the ground.

If we had a dollar for everytime we've made this same mistake

This story would be a lot more believable if the opera singer's name was Borat. We suppose it's understandable, though: "Mila kuda si planina" is so dang close to "Mila kura si planina."

New perspectives on the phrase "grow a pair"

"[H]owever, some doubt has been expressed on the willingness of men to undergo the procedure to extract the cells..."

"Testicle stem cell harvest plan: A man's testicles might be a source of stem cells to help him fight serious diseases, US scientists have shown." BBC News, September 19, 200

Quote of the Week

You can run, but you can't hide:

"Where a person, to avoid service of summons, shelters himself in his wife's petticoats, the laying of the papers on his shoulder will be a sufficient service." - Supreme Court, 1893

What would we do without Supreme Court Justices?

Ya think?!?

"The nudity of the dancer is an integral part of the emotions and thoughts that a nude dancing performance evokes. The sight of a fully clothed, or even a partially clothed, dancer generally will have a far different impact on a spectator than that of a nude dancer, even if the same dance is performed. The nudity itself is itself an expressive component of the dance, not merely incidental conduct."

- Barnes v. Glen Theatre, Inc. (White, J. dissenting) (arguing that nude dancing SHOULD fall within the protection of the First Amendment)

And you Yankees thought we were strange

According to this report, boiled peanuts (those wonderful little snacks that come in small brown paper bags, are necessary eats at any football game, and are best when purchased from a road side stand) actually have health benefits that can help fight diseases.

Evidently the boiling process preserves phytochemicals within the peanuts; these phytochemicals "have antioxidant qualities that protect cells against the risk of degenerative diseases, including cancers, diabetes and heart disease."

This is probably a good thing, since our Gamecocks are often the source of our high blood pressure and severe cardiac stress.

Life Imitates The Onion

"8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights"--headline, Onion, May 26, 1999

"No Charges Filed Against 8-Year-Old Who Had a Handgun on School Bus"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 12, 2007

- From today's WSJ Opinion Journal

Let's not Rush to conclusions

As we anticipated, people have strong and differing views on Rush Limbaugh. That’s why we began the title of our post with “Say what you will.” Our point was not to defend or demolish Rush Limbaugh’s political theories or cultural critiques, but to point out that regardless of what you think about him, he’s good at his job. Our opinion on this point remains unchanged.

What is his job? As we alluded to, and as he often states on his show (which I have listened to for more than 5 minutes), his job is:

“Illustrating absurdity by being absurd.”

What’s absurd? That an elected official would purposely misrepresent the words of a private individual with whom he knowingly and consistently disagrees, in order to smear that individual’s reputation, and then attempt to use his political clout to force that private individual to shut up. How did Rush illustrate this? By being equally absurd and auctioning off the written “threat” on eBay. What’s more, he gave the ridiculous proceeds to a support the very people he was alleged to have criticized.

That’s clever, if not brilliant.

Georgie and Married Man raised some interesting points:

"you don't think rush limbaugh is a hypocrite for calling for tougher sentences for drug felons and then developing a drug habit of his own?”

First, that’s a straw man that has little to do with the current topic. Perhaps that was Married Man’s point. Whether Rush is a hypocrite (in terms of drug use/punishment) is of no consequence when it comes to what he said about soldiers, how it was portrayed by Reid and the Drive By Media, and how Rush responded with one of the more clever things I’ve seen.

Second, we don’t happen to think that Rush is a hypocrite. If Rush argued for stricter drug punishments, and then was convicted of drug usage and said those stronger sentences didn’t apply to him, that would be hypocritical. As far as we know, he hasn’t done that. If Rush condemned drug usage, and denied that he had a problem (in the face of counter evidence), that would be hypocritical. He hasn’t done that, either. But to advocate for a certain standard, even if that person fails to live up to the standard, is not necessarily hypocritical. I once read a good definition of hypocrisy: hypocrisy is best understood as saying something while intending to do something else. For example: if a person has a tendency toward alcoholism, and advocates for sobriety (himself abstaining from drink), but while at a party is given a drink and gives in to the temptation, we would say that person is weak. But not an hypocrite.

Contrast that with Reid who, faced with Rush’s clever idea of raising money for a veteran’s children charity organization, attempted to take credit for the idea (which was not his), encouraged people to support the cause and give money to the charity, but then refused to support the charity himself. I’m not sure if that qualifies as hypocrisy, but sure as heck walks the line.

“however, your STRONG defense of rush limbaugh really bothers me. i'm not calling for him to be taken off the air and am mindful of your free speech argument. if you actually listen to this man for 5 minutes, however, it's really hard not to feel yourself enraged with anger. either at the people he's talking about or at himself for his hatred.”

Hatred is a strong word. We’ve listened to Rush off an on since we were in high school. He is not a man of hate. We’re not sure what exactly you’ve heard that makes you “enraged with anger”, so we’ll refrain from attempting to defend something we know nothing about.

this show, and shows like this, are harmful b/c they are so freakin' divisive.”

We’re not sure what you mean by “shows like this.” Since you admitted that you are mindful of free speech arguments, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don’t mean conservative talk shows in general. If you did, then the sole “divisive” feature of the show would be its political leaning. This leaves us with either talk shows in general, which we doubt you meant, or else this is a reference to similar shows of hatred. We know of no such shows.

It’s not our position to offer an apology for Rush. We happen to think he’s generally an intelligent voice in the midst of increasingly noisy political discourse. We don’t always agree with him, but we generally do. More importantly, however, we recognize that Rush is a constant target of attack by those who disagree with him, and (like this recent instance) they generally choose to attack the person, rather than analyze the merits of what he has to say. Rush has often jumped to the defense of others when they have been attacked unfairly.

For once, we thought we’d do the same.

Say what you will, Rush Limbaugh is good at what he does

Harry Reid's latest political maneuver is absolutely disgusting, despicable, and contemptible. He does not deserve the title of Senator, he has no business representing our government, and even a place as corrupt as Las Vegas does not deserve such a dirty politician.

Most of you have probably heard the controversy over Rush Limbaugh's "phony soldiers" comment. As usual, Rush said nothing wrong. As usual, he was right. And as usual, those who oppose free speech and the free exchange of ideas intentionally, purposely, and maliciously twisted Rush's words. The goal? Make a self-proclaimed and outspoken American Patriot look like a hypocrite (Rush), while making these America hating "americans" look like actual patriots. Not only did multiple Senators use the floor of the U.S. Senate as a soapbox for defaming Limbaugh (see also the torts of slander and libel), but 40 Democrats signed a letter to the President of Clear Channel (radio syndicate that hosts Limbaugh) strongly encouraging him to confer with Limbaugh about Limbaugh's commetns. Translation: Make him stop staying stuff we don't like...or else. These weren't just any Democrats - these were the big dogs.

As the saying goes, never kid a kidder. Rush Limbaugh makes a living off of illustrating absurdity by being absurd. Which is why he put the letter on eBay, with the proceeds going to help the children of soldiers killed in the war. Rush promised personally to match the auction proceeds. It sold for $2.1 million. Rush kept his word. The Dems looked stupid. Brilliant.

This is where Reid gets disgusting. At 12pm today -- no coincidence, one hour before the auction ends and the start of Rush's daily radio show -- Reid went on the Senate floor and ATTEMPTED TO TAKE CREDIT FOR RAISING THE MONEY FOR the Marine Corps-Law Enforcement Foundation. Absolutely incomprehensible. The clip is here - Breitbart mislabels it as Reid's thank you to Limbaugh. It was no such thing. It was a blatant attempt by Reid to credit himself and the other 39 nutjob Democrats for the idea of putting the letter on eBay and giving the money to the kids.

This blatant lie and outright thievery makes me want to puke.

Reid criticized an American general. When that backfired, he chose to misrepresent a patriotic American and abuse his position as Senator by leveling personal attacks on a private citizen.
He further abused his power by threatening a radio syndicate to censure the speech of one of its shows, and when the historic letter documenting his and his hooligan cohorts' abuse of power was flipped around and used as a vehicle for good, Reid tried to take credit for the fruit of that creativity. Not only did he take credit, but he encouraged the members of teh Senate (and presumably the American people) to support the cause by bidding and/or contributing to the charity, but simultaneously refused to give a single dollar from his own pocket.

But that shouldn't surprise us. After all, Reid illegally uses campaign funds (i.e. other people's money) to tip the doormen at the Ritz Carlton (i.e. for his personal expenses).

Of course, who are we to talk? The only thing we've ever given the Ritz Carlton are $150,000 of stolen jewels.

Life Imitates The Office

"I've created an atmosphere where I am friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third."

“When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.”

David Brent, general manager of the Slough branch of Wernham-Hogg paper merchancts in the BBC's television comedy The Office.

"Everyone Wants a Funny Boss. Survey: Humor is key for Good Managers"

Tom Musbach, Yahoo!.com HotJobs Article (October 16, 2007)

USC v. USC

Since it probably won't happen very often, we felt it necessary to point out that the REAL USC is now ranked ahead of that Southern Cal school in the AP Top 25 this week.

And just as a reminder, the last time South Carolina and So Cal played head to head in football, the Gamecocks were the victors of a a 38-14 victory in October of 1983.

Child's play in Iraq

Augustine wrote that "Moral character is assessed not by what a man knows but by what he loves." We would add that character, along with courage and leadership, is also assessed not by what a man says, but by what he does.

That's why we like this piece from American Thinker - it's thought provoking, if not right on the money. Whether it's current Congressmen or presidential hopefuls, Democrats or Republicans, we are growing weary of politicians who do more whining than working, and who's "new solutions" are nothing more than just recycled rhetoric.

It is true: government is run like a business, and many businesses are structured like our government. And yet most elected officials, if they acted as corporate directors they way they act as politicians, would be booted out by the shareholders quicker than you can say cumulative voting. Their ideas are as unoriginal as Gob Bluth, and their efficiency and productivity make Columbia's downtown Wendy's look like a well oiled machine.

Talk is cheap, Washington, and its a fact of life that you only get what you paid for. And just like any business, if the customer's don't get what they demand and deserve, they'll take their business somewhere else.

John Paul Stevens and a correct constitutional jurisprudence

As always, any article by the New York Times should be read in conjunction with at least 5 other sources in order to ensure accurate and unbiased journalism.

To help balance today's NYT article about Justice Stevens, we recommend this blogessay on originalism (as described by Blackstone's own J-Lo).

Down on the Bayou

The following was written a few years ago by some Auburn fan prior to the Auburn v. LSU game. Evidently it spread like wildfire through cyberspace, gathering so much attention that Auburn fans purportedly now chant "Corn Dogs!" at every LSU v. Auburn game. Since South Carolina plays LSU this weekend, we thought that a reposting of this dissertation is appropriate...
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LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.

I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an LSU fan someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.
If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs.

LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, LSU sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."

It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a silencer: "Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?"

Heck, after what I've heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That's okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you're doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say, "Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's
dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive - on some other weekend

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows?

Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there. Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct over there. It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'll bet the people here smell just like boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufee' or some fancy Cajun food." But just stop thinking that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home," or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."

Cajuns are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the Cajun tiger fans. Don't refer to Death Valley as corn dog valley either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or something. They'll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...